School Days

It's hard to believe, but the first day of school is here already. Clay didn't look back; he was so looking forward to school. All day, flashes of my time in school have been coming back to me. The good memories and the bad; the excitement; the angst. It seemed that time dragged. Every school year was a lifetime; every month a decade. It seemed like summer was always so far away, and then it was gone.

To Clay, the next 13 years will see like an eternity, with milestones like first grade, middle school, junior high, driver's license, graduation and college. To me it will fly by much too quickly.

The Day George Lucas Lost His Marbles

Ewoks. I hate the Ewoks. I will always remember sitting in the theater at the Beaver Valley Mall on a the first Sunday in June 1977. Seeing the opening battle scene in Star Wars (before it was called "A New Hope") made a lasting impression on me that still give me goosebumps. I think I saw that movie a dozen times that summer. Three years later, "The Empire Strikes Back" came out. It was dark and I didn't like it as much as the original, but is till saw it 5 or 6 times. Then in 1983, "Return of the Jedi", which I had high hopes for, until... Ewoks! George Lucas must have lost his marbles.

Fast forward to 1999. By then "Empire" had become my favorite movie and I looked forward to the new prequel series. That all changed when we were all introduced to Jar-Jar Binks, possibly the single most annoying character in recorded history. He made me long for the days of Ewoks. George Lucas must have lost his marbles.

August 2008; "The Clone Wars". This story takes place between "Attack of the Clones" and "Revenge of the Sith". It uses a weird animation process that makes everyone look like they just popped off some bizarre Byzantine fresco. Normally, I would already know to stay away from this movie, but I have a 5 year old and between the media blitz on TV and the equally bizarre Happy Meal "toys" from McDonald's, we had to go.

The movie revolves around Anakin getting an (annoying) apprentice and the search for the son of Jabba the Hutt, who has been kidnapped by Count Dooku. Still, this might have been a salvageable idea for a story, but alas, no.

So, after watching this movie, I give you the following 8 reasons why George Lucas has finally, truly lost his marbles:

#8 Battle Droids who act more like "Laurel and Hardy" than "Stallone and Schwarzenegger"

#7 Anakin's apprentice calls him "Sky-guy"

#6 Numerous plot holes you could drive a Star Cruiser through.

#5 Jabba's son, who is called "Stinky"

#4 There was no iconic "opening crawl" that has been a staple of the movies and even the video games. Instead there was a narration done in the style of manic, annoying 1930's radio announcer.

#3 Endless battle scenes. After 6 or 7 minutes of clones and droids shooting constantly at each other, you get kind of numb, especially when it does not move the story forward.

#2 Being constantly reminded that "We have to find Jabba the Hutt's son. He's been kidnapped!" Alright already. We know. My 5 year old with the attention span of a , well, a 5 year old gets it already.

And #1, worst of all, Jabba the Hutt's flamboyant, apparently homosexual uncle Zero the Hutt. I kid you not. Zero is a purple Hutt with gold paint, flower tattoos, wears a gold headdress with feathers and speaks in the manner of Truman Capote with a Louisiana accent. A horrible stereotype. Again, I kid you not. Why not just get it over with and call him "Pizza the Hutt". At least that would have got a laugh out of the audience.

George Lucas has truly, finally lost his marbles.

Wishing Well

Last Friday we took the kids, along with their cousins to Idlewild Park and Storybook Forest in Ligonier, PA. It's a park that caters to younger kids, but there also a bunch of rides to keep older kids happy. I haven't been there since I was about 5 or 6, but I remembered Story Book Forest more than the rest of the park.

Story Book Forest is a walking trail where you meet Mother Goose, Raggedy Ann, The Three Little Pigs and all the other characters you remember from childhood. I really wanted to take them here this year because Clay now likes SpongeBob more than Thomas and I was afraid that he'd think this was boring and too young for him. I was pleasantly surprised that he really enjoyed going through; although he didn't want to see Captain Candy on her pirate ship, even though she was passing out free lollipops. Drew on the other hand said, "Candy?! Let's Go!!!"

Near then end, there was a wishing well and I asked Clay if he wanted to make a wish. I gave him a penny and he ran over to the well. I said, "Close your eyes and make a wish and throw the penny in." He closed his eyes tightly, whispered to himself, smiled and threw the penny. I asked, "Did you make a wish?"

"Yes, I wished that you'd be my daddy forever!"

I almost cried. Yes, buddy, you get your wish; and I get mine.

Popcorn

"Space Chimps". What could be wrong with that. It has two of my favorite things; Space and Chimps. The only thing that could be better would be "Space Chimps delivering Hooters' Wings with a free MacBook Pro". Heaven.

Clay has wanted to see this movie since he saw the first commercial months ago. So I decided to give Nancy a few hours of peace and quiet while I took him to see this potential Academy Award winning flick. As we enter the theater lobby, Clay immediately is disinterested in the movie and wants to play video games. All the games he wants to play are racing games and he is far too short to reach the pedals; thankfully.

I break him from the trance of quarter-swallowing electronic crack by telling him that we needed to get some snacks for the movie. "Clay do you want any popcorn?"

"No, I want that Batman thing!", as he points to Malted Milk Balls with the Batman logo on it.

"You're not going to like Malted Milk Balls. How 'bout some popcorn?"

"No Daddy, I want that Batman thing!", as he points to Milk Duds.

"No, Clay, you're no going to like those. How about some popcorn?"

"I don't want any popcorn!"

"OK, how about M&Ms or Twizzelers?"

"I want Starburst!"

"OK, you can get some Starburst. Are you sure you don't want any popcorn?"

"Goddammit Daddy! No Freakin' Popcorn!!!"

OK, well he didn't say that, but he again told me of his lack of desire for any type of warm, buttery corn-based snack product. So, I order a small one for myself. As we pass the "Popcorn Flavoring Station" I start sprinkling on cheddar cheese flavored salt. "Daddy, what's that?" "Cheddar cheese flavored salt". "Yuck! I hate cheddar cheese salt!" I tell him that since he doesn't want any popcorn, he shouldn't care what I put on it.

We settle in for the movie, and just as the first preview is about to start Clay says, "Daddy, I want some popcorn!" FIne. By the time "Space Chimps" starts, he has devoured most of the bag. "I guess I don't like cheddar cheese salt too much, but I'll eat the popcorn anyway", he says. I'll learn next time.

Oh, and the movie. Awful is not a strong enough word. It looks like it was made on cutting edge animation software that Pixar threw away in the early 90's. But Clay and I did both laugh when the big chimp slipped on the banana peel on the treadmill. Can't help it; Monkeys=Funny.

Another Brick In The Wall

When we bought our house, we knew we had one major problem. We had two retaining walls in the back yard and they were both bowing badly. In five months the lower wall moved several inches and the final blow came when I was cutting the grass behind one wall and my leg went down in a void to me knee. Apparently, this wall was built by roving bands of chimpanzees which must have been through Pittsburgh 10 years ago. These monkeys were bad even by monkey standards.

So we called the landscaper and viola, two weeks, 20 tons of stone, two truckloads of mulch later we had our new (single) wall up. It looks great and even has a set up steps so we don't have to walk around the ends to go up a level. As a bonus, one of our neighbors gave us his kids' old play set. It's a good thing we had it done when we did, right before we went on vacation, because when we left our back yard was mud, manure and seed. By the time we returned, we had grass!

But the main reason we wanted to have the wall rebuilt was to have a safe area for the kids to play. I was worried that either the wall would collapse on someone or that someone would break a leg by "finding" a hole like I did. In the time our house was up for sale, it had become the "skate park". Various slacker-related items (parts of skateboards, snowboards, ramps, pipes, etc.) occasionally turned up on our driveway, lawn and retaining walls and I worried that one of these slackers would end up splitting his head open. At least now, I don't have to worry about the wall collapsing on them.

We've spent the last few days power washing, staining, repairing and re-fitting what will become "The Pirate Ship". We already have our "sail" and will soon put on the ship's wheel and the pirate flag. It sails in it's sea of mulch and will soon need to be officially christened. The old owner had spray painted "SK8-24-7" on the side; which I have since power washed into oblivion; so now we need to find the perfect name for our ship. Suggestions?

Happy Birthday America

Sorry, it's been so long since the last post. Here's what's coming up: "Another Brick in the Wall", "F.U. VDOT", "OBX 2008" and more, but I couldn't let this go without posting this tonight. This was taken on the morning of our nation's 232nd birthday, because there is no better way than to say "Happy Birthday America" than "Bikini Cole Slaw Wrestling". And no, Nancy would not let me go.

Let's Go Pens!

Well, it's over. The Penguins run for the Stanley Cup ended about an hour ago. Since moving back to Pittsburgh, we've really been into Pittsburgh sports, but some of the most exciting games this past six months have come from the Pens. From Sidney Crosby's overtime shoot-out win at the outdoor game in Buffalo on January first, to Monday's triple overtime win in Game 5 in Detroit; to tonight's 0.1 second left in the game "almost" goal by Marian Hossa. What an amazing effort these guys put forward.

We're disappointed in the loss, and Clay almost cried when he found out that hockey is over until October, but we still love our Pens! Way to go guys!

I think I'm going to go out and buy Clay a Sidney Crosby or Marc-Andre Fleury shirt tomorrow. He may not understand yet, but these are young men in their 20's that I want him to see a role models. Not because they are great athletes, but because they work hard, give their all for their team, and win (and lose) graciously; no swaggering, no complaining, no trash talking; just like how I want my sons to be.