Monday, August 25, 2008

The Day George Lucas Lost His Marbles

Ewoks. I hate the Ewoks. I will always remember sitting in the theater at the Beaver Valley Mall on a the first Sunday in June 1977. Seeing the opening battle scene in Star Wars (before it was called "A New Hope") made a lasting impression on me that still give me goosebumps. I think I saw that movie a dozen times that summer. Three years later, "The Empire Strikes Back" came out. It was dark and I didn't like it as much as the original, but is till saw it 5 or 6 times. Then in 1983, "Return of the Jedi", which I had high hopes for, until... Ewoks! George Lucas must have lost his marbles.

Fast forward to 1999. By then "Empire" had become my favorite movie and I looked forward to the new prequel series. That all changed when we were all introduced to Jar-Jar Binks, possibly the single most annoying character in recorded history. He made me long for the days of Ewoks. George Lucas must have lost his marbles.

August 2008; "The Clone Wars". This story takes place between "Attack of the Clones" and "Revenge of the Sith". It uses a weird animation process that makes everyone look like they just popped off some bizarre Byzantine fresco. Normally, I would already know to stay away from this movie, but I have a 5 year old and between the media blitz on TV and the equally bizarre Happy Meal "toys" from McDonald's, we had to go.

The movie revolves around Anakin getting an (annoying) apprentice and the search for the son of Jabba the Hutt, who has been kidnapped by Count Dooku. Still, this might have been a salvageable idea for a story, but alas, no.

So, after watching this movie, I give you the following 8 reasons why George Lucas has finally, truly lost his marbles:

#8 Battle Droids who act more like "Laurel and Hardy" than "Stallone and Schwarzenegger"

#7 Anakin's apprentice calls him "Sky-guy"

#6 Numerous plot holes you could drive a Star Cruiser through.

#5 Jabba's son, who is called "Stinky"

#4 There was no iconic "opening crawl" that has been a staple of the movies and even the video games. Instead there was a narration done in the style of manic, annoying 1930's radio announcer.

#3 Endless battle scenes. After 6 or 7 minutes of clones and droids shooting constantly at each other, you get kind of numb, especially when it does not move the story forward.

#2 Being constantly reminded that "We have to find Jabba the Hutt's son. He's been kidnapped!" Alright already. We know. My 5 year old with the attention span of a , well, a 5 year old gets it already.

And #1, worst of all, Jabba the Hutt's flamboyant, apparently homosexual uncle Zero the Hutt. I kid you not. Zero is a purple Hutt with gold paint, flower tattoos, wears a gold headdress with feathers and speaks in the manner of Truman Capote with a Louisiana accent. A horrible stereotype. Again, I kid you not. Why not just get it over with and call him "Pizza the Hutt". At least that would have got a laugh out of the audience.

George Lucas has truly, finally lost his marbles.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Was it just my imagination, or did they stress the word "uncle" when talking about zero? At first, they just said "my nephew Jabba". Well, that was fine. I'm thinking in my head "so this is Jabba's Aunt". And, then, several times in a short span of time they say uncle. The first time I thought I didn't hear right. The second time I had no doubt. The third time I was tempted to turn off the movie (it wasn't that good, anyway!). Sorry. I just don't see how that twist added anything to the movie. After all, I find a scorned and vindictive woman a much more formidable opponent than a wheezy uncle immersed in his lifestyle. A very poor choice, in my opinion. Turn the word uncle to aunt and the movie would get an extra couple of points from me. Again, I just don't see this adding anything to the story and in a movie of poor quality (just look at the characters jumping - no physics engine behind those), it was just enough to make me NOT want to see any more of his junk. Jar-jar Binks about put me over the edge as a stupid character. Having complex droids turn into the 3 Stooges is over the top. Add in the "uncle", and it was just one too many. Sorry, Georgie, it is time to retire.